Pistols at Noon
by plug in baby57
Summary: Sam and Freddie have a duel, other things happen. Cam, oneshot.


Carly wasn't sure what Sam and Freddie were fighting over this time but it required cowboy hats and twenty four elastic bands to resolve. Sam was adamant that they were necessary to end this argument, although they were both being secretive about what they were actually fighting over. Carly had begged them to settle their differences peacefully but Freddie, as usual, was ready to fight until Sam went too far and Sam was just being herself. It seemed that some sort of contest was the only thing that would settle them and if the situation wasn't resolved soon it was looking increasingly likely that fighting would break out on the webshow, so she had chosen to just go with what Sam suggested.

It wasn't actually clear what Sam had suggested, but it seemed likely from the first mention of elastic bands that it would be painful for Freddie. But this issue needed settling quick, so Spencer had been dispatched to find a store where elastic bands were sold and was told to return with twelve of them, whilst they rooted through the various boxes of old iCarly props for the costumes used in the Idiot Farm Girl sketch.

Carly's main worry about the elastic bands was that Sam had demanded. In the more boring lessons at school, she had developed a prowess at firing them that belied her low grades in physics. She had even taken to tying multiple bands into a large knotted rope in the hopes of knocking Gibby out. Carly would not have been surprised if Sam's plan was to fire all twenty four bands straight into Freddie's eye. Whatever it was it was going to happen at noon, on the apartment building roof.

--

It dawned on Carly that it was supposed to look like a duel from a western. Except Seattle wasn't all that desert-like and they were on the roof of a skyscraper. And one of the duellers was very sheepish at being forced to wear a pink cowboy hat and the other was a girl, dressed in a costume she'd last worn two years ago, including a fake moustache. Over those two years Sam hadn't filled out as such, but eaten a lot of Fatcakes. They were low-fat Fatcakes, but those trace amounts of fat had amalgamated into one big butt.

This oversized posterior was desperately trying to burst it's way out of the two year old pants. Carly was in the unfortunate situation of not being allowed to sit and stare at it. Alas, they had agreed to secrecy and Freddie wasn't allowed the slightest hint of what the two of them did when the lights were off. It had been her own idea not to tell anyone, if only because she had the very real worry that Sam would reveal it to Spencer by saying "I finger banged your sister last night." Although with some of the looks Spencer gave her, she wasn't sure that Sam hadn't said that to him. He must have suspected something was up, at least.

The twenty four elastic bands were the weapons, arranged in a style that Sam liked to call 'The Revolver'. Thumb and index finger extended to produce a pistol shape, one by one the bands were wrapped around the tip of the index finger and looped around the thumb and into the palm of the hand, where they were held by the remaining fingers. Sometimes, the bands were twisted to put more elastic energy into them and they were generally loosed one at a time into the back of Gibby's head. The most bands you could handle on one hand was six, hence 'The Revolver'. It was the bane of all the teachers at Ridgeway.

Sam and Freddie stood facing one another, Sam with her legs in a comically wide stance, hands held at her waist like an old gun slinger. Freddie, on the other hand, had adopted a pose that suggest a slight confusion. Carly had one last chance to end this before Freddie got hurt.

"Can't you just leave it, Sam?" She pleaded.

"Not while he wants ma woman." Sam said, in an accent that Carly guessed was meant to be John Wayne. She didn't spend long trying to figure out Sam's bad accent when she realised what she'd said.

"You didn't tell him, did you?" She shrieked. At almost exactly the same time, Freddie realised what Sam had said.

"Wait, your woman?" He questioned. "Are you two-"

"Shut your yappin' Benson." Sam interrupted in her poor John Wayne impression. She spat on the ground for good measure.

"Why are you spitting? That's disgusting." Carly said. She was ignored as Freddie started to beg for his life. It was a wise move.

"Sam, I didn't know. I'll leave her alone." He pleaded.

"We gonna do this or are y'all gonna stand around flappin' your gums?" She spat again.

"Stop spitting." Carly interjected to no avail. Freddie dropped the elastic bands from his hands, to adopt a 'don't kill me' pose.

"Sam, I-" He was interrupted again.

"Y'all ain't gonna talk your way outta this. You're gonna learn to stay away from my woman Benson." She spat yet again. This made Carly angry. She liked to think that people wouldn't like it when she was angry but she was wrong. When angry, Carly was as adorable as a kitten trying to catch a fly from the wrong side of a patio door.

"Stop spitting Sam." She said, angry with rage. "Look, if he knows we have to talk to him about it." Unfortunately Sam had seemingly become stuck in her character.

"Not gonna happen, Darlin. He's going down." Freddie turned to Carly, seeing her as Sam's emotional side.

"Carly, help me-" This time the interruption came from an elastic band to the face. He dropped to the floor, clutching at his face. Carly admonished Sam, before heading to help Freddie.

"Are you alright?" She asked him.

"No," He said, in pain. "I just got an elastic band to the eye!" She turned to Sam.

"Why did you do that? He was-" This time Carly was interrupted.

"Quiet woman," Sam's not quite gravelly voice said. "I want to get me some fun."

"What? Now that he knows we've got to-" Carly was unable to finish before Sam's arms were wrapped around her waist and lifting her. "Put me down!"

--

Later that day, Sam was in pain, sprawled face down across the couch, unable to sit. She had expected something to come back and bite her in the ass, figuratively. She hadn't expected Carly to do that literally. She really hadn't expected Carly to break the skin and it had taken some time for them to figure out how to bandage it. At least if it scarred they wouldn't have to go all the way to a dentist for her dental records if Carly was ever in an accident.

Carly had blamed it on her for wearing tight pants. She blamed in on Carly for having no self control. Carly decided she should probably check to see that Freddie wasn't still on the roof. She decided to eat some ice cream, it was after all, what happened in Forrest Gump when he was ass-wounded. She was ready to settle down with her tub of ice cream and watch Seattle Beat when Spencer entered and started playing twenty questions.

"Why are you lying like that?" Was his first. She obviously couldn't tell the truth, she was sworn to secrecy and had already slipped up and told Freddie during the duel.

"Bitten on the ass." She told him and congratulated herself on still being truthful.

"What bit you on the ass?" Of course, he needed detail. It would make her life too easy if people would be good enough to just ask one question and accept the answer. She thought quickly.

"It was a wild beast." She was still telling the truth in a sense. Carly had been pretty wild at the time.

"What, on the roof?"

"No, Carly's room." Then she had to berate herself. She had gotten caught up in telling the truth and was too close to letting it slip. That really alerted him to something. She knew that much, because he suddenly set about questioning her like an inept detective.

"How did a wild animal get into Carly's room?"

"It flew in through the window."

"How?"

"With wings"

"Aren't you worried about rabies?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I've been vaccinated."

"Well, what about... uh, what about..." He'd obviously completely stopped thinking ahead and ended up in a situation where he was unable the analyse what he'd already discovered because he was going so fast he'd forgotten her answers and was unable to continue questioning her because he didn't know what to ask. "Uh, enjoy the show." He said, before leaving.

--

Spencer was slowly cottoning on that something was going on between Carly and Sam. He was determined to find out what it was. He had planned a series of 'Movie Nights' where he would monitor their reactions to different genres. He had wanted to go straight in with a romance film, but apparently Sam had to be hooked into actually turning up. So they had to watch a number of action films first. On the fourth week, Sam insisted they watch Once Upon a Time in the West. On the fourth week, Spencer was also distracted by finding Tetoris, an oversized variant of Tetris where the playing field is so big it took twenty minutes to get a single line completed. Given his past record on nostalgic gaming, this wasn't a good thing.

Not only did he miss the film, he missed Carly complaints that nothing was happening for the first ten minutes and her subsequent surrender to sleep on Sam's shoulder. He also missed Sam kissing Carly's forehead, and then the light fondling that took place when Carly woke up later. And to his later displeasure, he missed it when Sam went into the kitchen, found the peanut butter, then went into his room and filled his pillow with it.

**--A/N-- **

**So I've continued the elastic band thing from iNeed Cash. This was written for a prompt at the lj comm, nick_girlslash. With a prompt like 'Western' I was hard pressed not to write a duel and with my recent elastic band exploits it seemed like a good idea for a non lethal duel. I liked the idea of Sam getting too into it, and of course being a sharp shooter and getting Freddie in the eye. I also loved having Sam call Carly 'Woman'. God knows why.**

**I'm not overly happy with everything after the duel. I've had this idea of Carly biting Sam's arse for a while now so I just threw that in there to get the word count up, then I got lazy and just rushed through the questions. I had planned to do twenty, or at least have it last longer but there's other crap I ought to be doing. And then it ended on me rushing over the intimacy because I never quite feel like I can do it well.**

**Also, it is technically impossible to do The Revolver with both hands, as it takes a second hand to set up. And Tetoris is real, google it if you have good eyesight and lot of time on your hands.  
**


End file.
